This is what happens when we show up in our kids’ lives with curiosity (I wonder why you did what you did so I can help you) and mindfulness (I’m all in right now, ready to move at your pace), and without judgement (you’re not just lazy, slow, forgetful, rude, disorganized etc.) and instant solutions (you should’ve just done this or that, just do this or that).
Example: Your one child hits the other.
Judgement: He’s so aggressive. He’s got anger issues.
Connection: He’s really struggling these days, I wonder what’s going on. Let me investigate and offer help.
Action: You get down on bended knee and empathize, “You’re really struggling right now, I’m here to help you.”
At this time if any ‘buts’ come into your mind, put them on hold. This is called trust and none of this is going to work if there’s no trust. This is also what’s going to happen in a moment of possible connection. A lot of ‘buts’ will come into your mind and you just have to push through them all. Trust over fear is your new mantra.
Some other ways to connect:
1- Get involved in child-led play and activities with your kids. Lose your own agenda. Follow their lead, ask them questions "should I color this blue or yellow?" Enjoy the play... stop when you're not enjoying and find another time.
2- Take notice of what interests them and enter their world. Learn more about it. Especially for older children.
3- When they share something, be an active listener instead of offering immediate solutions and silver linings. You go to words can be "tell me more", "I'm listening..." "I see.. " "Acha..." "Hmmm..."