I hear a lot of “...and I validate my child and still nothing is changing...”
Here’s the thing, it’s impossible for validation not to work. Validating another human being is the single most loving thing we can give someone. There’s absolutely no reason for anyone, let alone a child, to not accept it and respond to it.
What might be happening is that since no one has ever validated us and we have trouble validating even ourselves, we just don’t REALLY know what it sounds like or feels like. (This is also why I’ve done several workshops on this). Because it’s not just words.. it has to be the right feeling behind the words. A feeling of GENUINE curiosity and empathy.
Can you troubleshoot these attempts at validation? Use the numbers to answer.
1- “I know you really want to go out but we can’t right now... I’m sorry beta.”
2- “I know you don’t want to study and if you don’t then your teacher will be upset...”
3- “You really want that new outfit/phone/laptop/watch and it’s too expensive. We can’t afford that right now but you can save money for it yourself.”
4- “I know you wanted to play more and tomorrow you can. Right now they have to go home because everyone has to go home. Don’t we come home too after going somewhere? Everyone has to do that, beti. I know it’s really hard for you... we will go again, I promise...”
5- “Beta I know you like watching people play video games You Tube. This isn’t something you’re learning anything from. It’s ok if you want to play video games but what’s the point in watching others do it? It’s such a waste of time.”
6- “Why do you feel like no one loves you? I love all my kids the same. I definitely don’t like your baby brother better. I promise. Mera pyara beta!”
7- “Why are you so shy/quiet/loud/hyper/talkative/sensitive? How will you make friends this way? Nobody likes people who are shy/quiet/loud/hyper/talkative/sensitive. You have to become xyz.”
8- “Beti... I buy you so many things.. I just bought that makeup set for you.. I understand that you really want a new bag. I really do. Can you please wait until next month when I get my salary? Do you want to use mine until then? You have some other ones too from your birthday presents, right?”